Christmas 1–liner is a good way to share a Jokes or with your loved ones!
1. I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my “naughty” list.
2. You are what I want for Christmas.
3. Are you interested in seeing the “North Pole?”
4. How about I slip down YOUR chimney, at half past midnight?
5. That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!
6. Come sit on my lap. I've got a special gift just for you.
7. Wanna meet Santas little helper?
8. Wanna check out my mistletoe belt buckle?
9. Shouldn't you be sitting on top of the tree, Angel?
10. Even Santa doesnt make candy as sweet as you.
11. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
12. If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
13. I can't wait to unwrap your present!
14. Would you like to learn a few “reindeer games?”
15. Those aren't sugarplums dancing through my head, it's all you.
16. I've got your stocking stuffer right here!
17. Would you like to go to my place and light my Yule log?
18. What do you say we make this a not-so-silent night?
19. Believe me, if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
20. I've got something you can hang a wreath on.
Showing posts with label Daily Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily Jokes. Show all posts
upgrade girlfriend to wife | Funny Tech Letter
What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 : )
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Beer With Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Saree 2.1 and Jewelery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support ...
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Beer With Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Saree 2.1 and Jewelery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support ...
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Beautiful Web designer joke (GIF)
Everyone that has worked with web design can find themselves in this fun story. I hope this animation will make you laugh.
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33 of the Best Women Bashing Jokes Ever
Women: What would we do without them?
Well, we’d have a lot of peace and quiet and a lot more money, but the truth be told, we’d be miserable. Plus, we wouldn’t have near as many jokes to tell. Sure, you could still make fun of your buddy, but we’d be missing out on a lot of funny opportunities.
Enjoy these great jokes about our beloved women.
33. Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.
32. A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
31. Question: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Answer: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
30. Question: How is a woman like a laxative?
Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.
29. Question: What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Answer: Money.
28. A man put an ad in classified section of the newspaper: “Wife Wanted”.
The next day, he received several responses. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine”.
27. Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?
Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
26. Question: Why do men fart more than women?
Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
25. Question: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Answer: Pregnant.
24. Question: What food reduces a woman’s sex drive by at least 90 percent?
Answer: Wedding cake.
23. When a man marries Miss Right, he never realizes that her first name is “Always”.
22. Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
21. Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”
20. A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.
19. Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.
18. Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out?
Answer: He died laughing.
17. Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
16. Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.
15. Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.
14. Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
13. Question: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: Because they want to.
12. Question: Why did God give men penises?
Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.
11. Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.
10. Question: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Answer: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
9. Question: What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Answer: Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
8. Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
7. Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
6. Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Answer: Ten minutes of silence.
5. Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
4. Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?
Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.
3. A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.
In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.
The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”
2. Question: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Answer: Divorced.
1. One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.
“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.
Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”
God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much”, asked Adam.
“An arm and leg”, God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history.
I know there are many more woman bashing jokes out there. When you’re handed joke material such as a woman herself, the joke possibilities are endless. However, these are my 33 favorites. What are some of your favorites?
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Clean One Liners | clean jokes one liners | Pick-Up Lines
Anyone got some clean one liners? I got a few... clean jokes for you
Hi, I'm [name] and you are...gorgeous!
Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
I feel like Richard Gere, and I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Is your father a boxer? Cause you're a knockout.
If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now.
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your father a thief? 'Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes.
You must be a heck of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call Fine Print!
You're so sweet, you'd put Hershey's out of business.
Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good.
Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get.
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
I'd use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you're too smart.
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
Hey baby what's your sign?
So... How am I doin'?
Can I flirt with you?
Where have you been all my life?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? "No." Well then, please start.
Do you think I need my library card? Cause I'm checking you out.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I lost my phone number can i borrow yours?
I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day long.
If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME.
Hey, don't I know you? Oh yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart.
Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart.
What was that? "What?" It was the sound of my heart breaking.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I'm lost at sea.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
When I said I'd die single, I only meant that I didn't think I'd live long enough until I found you.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
Is there a rainbow? Cause you're the treasure I've been searching for.
If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
Did it hurt? "Did what hurt?" When you fell out of heaven?
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
How was heaven when you left it?
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you lost? 'Cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I'm standing in front of an angel.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Hi, I'm [name] and you are...gorgeous!
Hi, I'm [name], how do you like me so far?
Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover.
Can you catch? because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other girls look really bad.
I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
Are you sure you're wearing make-up?
Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
I feel like Richard Gere, and I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Is your father a boxer? Cause you're a knockout.
If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now.
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your father a thief? 'Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes.
You must be a heck of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call Fine Print!
You're so sweet, you'd put Hershey's out of business.
Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good.
Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get.
You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
I'd use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you're too smart.
I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
Hey baby what's your sign?
So... How am I doin'?
Can I flirt with you?
Where have you been all my life?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? "No." Well then, please start.
Do you think I need my library card? Cause I'm checking you out.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Date me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gertrude?
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
I lost my phone number can i borrow yours?
I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day long.
If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?
I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME.
Hey, don't I know you? Oh yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
Can I have directions? "To where?" To your heart.
Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart.
What was that? "What?" It was the sound of my heart breaking.
Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I'm lost at sea.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
When I said I'd die single, I only meant that I didn't think I'd live long enough until I found you.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
Is there a rainbow? Cause you're the treasure I've been searching for.
If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
Did it hurt? "Did what hurt?" When you fell out of heaven?
(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
How was heaven when you left it?
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Are you lost? 'Cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I'm standing in front of an angel.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
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